It was my third night at Resting Place since I had been home
from school, but the first time I felt like I was really home again(that’s not
a reflection of anybody or anything there, it’s more of a reflection of where I
am in the season I’m in). Anyway, I had just received some very encouraging
prayer from a YWAMer. I looked up and there was my friend Christian! Christian
had been the director of Splinter back when I was in highschool. I hadn’t seen
or talked to him in about a year. After making some general chit-chat, he
asked, “Can I pray over you?” I replied, “Of course!” I was feeling good. I was
actually feeling good. He put his hand on my shoulder and was just quiet for a
little while. Then he began singing along with the worship leader. I just stood
there with my hands open in a posture of receiving. Like I said, I was feeling
good. Then Christian said to me, “I’m feeling that…I’m getting that you feel
like your hopes and dreams have been crushed.” I nervously grasped my scarf. He was right. He continued, “I feel like you
feel like your hopes and dreams have been crushed. And you feel like that’s it.
And you feel angry. And God would have you be angry. God would have you be
angry with Him. God would have you wrestle with Him…God would have you wrestle
with Him and not your thoughts.”
After
this was prayed over me I just walked around the room for awhile. Because this
prayer was so spot on it literally frightened me. I do feel like my hopes and
dreams were crushed. I do feel angry. I feel resentment and bitterness. I’ve
pushed Him away. But that hasn’t kept Him away. Because He really meant it when
He said He wouldn’t leave me. He’s giving my space in a sense (because that man
really, really loves me), but He hasn’t left me.
I was at Resting Place on Monday
night and Devin prayed that God would break over me whatever I needed. I
apparently need warmth and rest. I sat there and I felt the warm presence of
Jesus surround me. It was so comforting and peaceful. As I let Him surround me
and didn’t push Him away for the first time in a long time, I started remembering
things that had been happening for the past two weeks. Things that made me
think “I think that’s Jesus” but pushed the thought away because I had been
pushing Jesus away. I thought of the Beauty and the Beast porcelain figurines(which
my dad had given my mom) that my mom had left on my headboard for me to find
when I came home(Beauty and the Beast is a thing for me&Jesus). I thought
of the itunes giftcard my mom passed off to me the day after I realized that I
don’t have money to spend on music that I wanted to buy. I thought of the night
that I was almost asleep but then jolted awake because I felt a hand on my
shoulder. I thought of the last time I had gone to Resting Place and had been
so anxious to go home and when I did get to leave I only had to sit at 3 of the
12 lights to get home. I thought of the fact that I had been fatigued for the
past week and a half and the first time I let Jesus close to me, instead of immediately
picking at my crap, He invited me to rest with Him. I remembered all these
things and I almost began to cry. He loves me so much. So, so much.
However, I’m still wrestling. Monday
night was beautiful and things are getting better with me talking to God, but
I’m still wrestling. Jesus and I both knew that Monday night wouldn’t solve
everything and whatever resentment I have towards Him wouldn’t be completely
resolved. In the past, whenever I was angry and God would start pouring out His
love on me, I would dismiss the anger because I figured I wasn’t angry anymore
if I could feel Him love me. But now I’m realizing that He’s saying that He
loves me no matter what I feel towards Him. I realize now that He’s saying I
can trust Him. I realize that He has not, and will not leave me. I realize that
He’s not out of reach. I realize He’s not as far away as I think He is. I
realize that I won’t be angry for long. I’m realizing what He meant when He
said, “Come to me, all who are burdened and heavy laden and I will give you
rest.” I realize that as I’m wrestling….I’m also learning to rest.
