Hosanna

"Hosanna!", they cried.
"Hosanna", meaning, "Save us!", "Have mercy on us!"
"Hosanna!", "Save us!", "Have mercy on us!", they cried a week before, at their hands, you saved them and had mercy on them.

The Jesus I Had Forgotten

Inspired by the experiences of assistant directing Godspell

     When I was a child, I was told stories of a man who healed the blind, walked on water, multiplied food, told the best stories, and came back from the dead(which made logical sense, I mean, if He could WALK ON WATER, then, of course He could come back to life). More importantly, I was told of a man who was more than just a man and still said, "Let the little children come to me." He played with children, blessed them, and defended them. I think that's why I loved Him as much as I did. He was full of joy and life and love. He was the best thing in the world to me. As I grew up, this view of Jesus was challenged by a view of Jesus that took away fathers and grandfathers and allowed me to be hurt and confused. I still believed He loved and cared for me, but more out of desperation than belief. I did believe, but I was shaky. It was, and still can be difficult to completely trust Him. Thankfully, my trust ebbs and flows but His love does not. As I sat, night after night, watching an actor play Jesus, years after my father passing, after many trust-shaking episodes of my life, that is what I remembered. I change, my trust shakes and steadies, but He will always say, "Let her come to me." Even after I have grown up, He will always be the Jesus I adored....and more.

Loss in Life

     For the first time in months, there is no need for a jacket. Grass is clearly visible. Trees no longer wear white. Birds chirp in the distance. Spring is arriving, life is returning. Yet, I still hear the crunch of dead, autumn leaves beneath my feet. The singular beauty of winter is melting away. While I am encouraged by the hope in the new, I cannot forget the loss in life.

Grace

Inspired by the text of&experiences of stage managing Good Person of Szechwan.

"Apparently, our commandments are fatal"

Can one be good?
Support. Encouragement. Tea and chicken nuggets. Company during a nosebleed. There was good.

"A good person is not easily forgotten. There aren't many."

Snide comments, stubborness, tense tones, unkind words, looking out for only one. There wasn't much good.

"Are you disgruntled? Do you disapprove?"

People are not always good. I am not always good.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy"

One made me good.

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

He showed grace.

"Go&tell Peter"

Maybe it's time to show a little grace.

"We've got to do better. We must, must, must."

Thank-you

 I knew you for only a short time.

    Despite the time, you were dear to me.

    I didn’t really get to say good-bye.

    People tell me it’s better that way

    That way, I never saw you in pain.

    But you encouraged me not shy away from pain

    So I don’t really know what to think of that.

    But I do know that I’m thankful for you

    And that I’m grateful to you.

    I didn’t get to say good-bye

    But maybe there’s still time for thank-you.

    So.

    Thank-you.

    Thank-you for welcoming me.

    Thank-you for recognizing me.

    Thank-you for your insight.

    Thank-you for the trivial conversations.

    Thank-you for all the times you made me angry.

    Thank-you for your support.

    Thank-you for your openness.

    Thank-you for snapping.

    Thank-you for apologizing.

    Thank-you for laughing.

    Thank-you for crying.

    Thank-you for breathing.

    Thank-you for living.

Let's Look at One Another!

I sat in a hard plastic chair. Laying open in my lap wass a copy of Our Town. But I wasn't really reading along anymore. My eyes are held captive by the 70-90 year olds reading it out loud in front of us. They sit in a row, mirroring the young’ns, none of us any older than 25. The 95 old woman reads, “Living people don’t understand much, do they?” She paused and silently scanned her eyes across the row of youth. As much as my friends find it humorous when I tell this story, at that moment, I didn’t find it funny. I think I understand. But then again, do I really? It’s a question worth asking. It’s a question worth praying over. It’s a question worth pondering on. At least I’m trying to understand. God knows I’m trying to understand ma’m.

                I lay on the Webb’s bench offstage. I wasn’t going on for awhile. I could rest. Imagine that.“This play is called Our Town” the Stage Manager says. I sigh in contentment. Everything about this show, and my life in general felt rushed. But not right now. In the time being, I could relish in the moment.

There wasn’t anything spectacular about it. I watched my friend pace back and forth as he spouted out his lines. I just listened. He finally sat down, and I sat down next to him. He must have gone through his monologue at least three times, in a row, sometimes without my cuing line. We sat, and stared off together. Like I said, there was nothing spectacular about it… it was just a moment with a friend that for once didn’t seem to be moving too fast.

I could hear the clicking of my heels echo throughout the hall. It was quiet. The lights reflection caused double in the mirror. As I looked over the balcony I felt surrounded by light. Outside was so dark. From far off though, I could still see the lights on in Walton. Everything was around me was still. Everything around me was light. It was beautiful. From below I heard, “This is…geographically where Emily is when she says her good-byes.” I looked out at my college home that in a few months, I knew I would also be saying good-bye to. Suddenly I understood Emily just a little bit more.

                I was exhausted. I was nervous. I was really ready for this weekend to be over. Act III lay in front of me and all I wanted was to go sleep. My mind rushed through lines. The list of homework I could be doing grew and grew. The problems I had were swirling in my brain. My heart was pounding. I tried to take a deep breath, which is difficult in a corset. Then there was the cue of thunder. I looked up to black umbrellas opening around me and a blue light shining down on us. For a play about treasuring life’s “little” moments, it’s so easy how life distracted me from it.

That night, my stomach was in knots. And it wasn’t the corset. It was my nerves. I couldn’t eat. I wasn’t visibly shaking but I felt like I was. My nerves had not been this bad since I was a Stage Manager. Despite my nervousness, the hugs in the hall, grasped hands, thumbs up, shoulder pats, and kind words carried me through the night. Every action and word was paired with a face and a name that I hope I never forget. I know for sure that I will be forever grateful for them.

We sat on the stage, in full costume and make-up. I sat on a chair, lightly touching flower petals of my boquet. Once again we sat across from the senior citizens who had inspired us months prior. They asked us questions and made comments that sent us into roaring laughter. Despite our ages, we had remarkable common ground. It’s amazing how stories bring people together.

Blank

Blank pages sit in front of me.

Blank pages waiting to be filled.

Blank pages inviting experience and insights.

Blank pages shouting,

"Go live so that you can write!"

Searching and Seeing

I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. I’m searching for you. It’s not that you’re nowhere to be found, you’re just harder to find than usual. When I hear from you, it’s like getting a letter, or a text, or (if I’m lucky) a phone call, but it’s not like you’re right next to me like it used to be. I don’t want to believe that’s part of growing up. I don’t want to believe that growing up means growing distant. So I’m trying to find you. I’ve been looking in books, old journals, talks with friends, movies, music…and I can’t seem to find you anywhere.

                For awhile it seemed to be getting better. The Christmas season began. With every twinkling light and with every whiff of peppermint, my soul was subtly reminded of you. I was reminded of your joy. I was reminded that those who searched for you did find you. I was reminded of the events that set the stage for your arrival.

                To be honest, I was a little jealous at first. Mary beheld Gabriel. Joseph had a clear dream. Elizabeth birthed a miracle. The innkeeper observed a desperate need. The wise men witnessed a celestial sign. The Shepherds were covered with angel’s light. You were so evident. You made yourself so clear. It’s not always that easy to find you and I feel like this story almost…leads me on.

                Things happen and it’s really hard to see you. It was hard to see you when friendships got weird. It became even harder to see when cancer returned. Then it became more difficult with the anxiety of finals. And then a man opened fire on children and I can’t seem to see you anywhere. I’ve learned to have faith that you’re there without seeing that you’re there and cling to that for all its worth…but I’m afraid I may lose my grip soon. And to be honest, I get really confused why you’re so silent when your entry into the world was anything but silent.

                But then again…it wasn't that simple, was it? One dream and one angel visit probably didn’t continually bring Mary and Joseph comfort when they were looked down upon by society. Elizabeth’s high-priest husband was mute for nine months because he argued with an angel. The innkeeper had to worry about the potential death of a newborn and mother. The wise men had to depend on the ever-changing sky. The Shepherds were probably scoffed at and quickly silenced. Mary and Joseph had to flee to Egypt for years. Herod ordered a massacre. It’s not always that easy to find you.

                But just because it isn’t easy to find you doesn’t mean that you are not there. In fact, it could mean that you are very, very present. 

Christ By Highest Heaven Adored

            Gabriel looked around the smelly, moist, noisy cave. He chuckled and shook his head. As he observed the surroundings he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see fellow angel Andrew standing there, smiling.

            “Not quite what they expected, is it?” Andrew laughed.

            “Certainly not. Not even what I would have expected for the King!”

            “What do you expect, as humble as He is?”

            “I know…I know.”

            “This does not change His kingship…it actually displays the heart of His kingship.”

Christ by highest heaven adored, Christ the everlasting Lord.

            The cry of the baby king echoed through the cave. Gabriel and Andrew turned quickly, grabbing the sheath of their sword. Gabriel felt a sigh of relief escape him as he saw that the fleshly, tiny, weak King Jesus was just fussing after being positioned differently in his mother’s arms. Now it was Andrew who was shaking his head.

            “He’s a baby. I still have a hard time grasping that He’s a baby. And then, as if Jesus being born to anybody was not strange already, He’s born to a virgin.”

            Gabriel let out a loud laugh.

            “Yes, it is quite the mystery.”

            “By the way, how did she take the news?”

            “It went a lot better than telling Zecheriah about John, I’ll tell you that much. See…she knew who sent me, and she respects Him and His word. She was puzzled of course, but she was willing to accept the mystery and embrace the incompresenbility of what was being said to her. “

Late in time, behold Him come. Offspring of the virgin’s womb.

            Andrew and Gabriel shared a chuckle. Gabriel slowly cocked his head as he looked at baby Jesus. Baby Jesus. Baby. He was loud, messy after just being born, wrapped in clothes meant to be burial cloths, dependent, weak, and tired. As Gabriel gazed at the baby, he could not help but picture the Jesus He knew. High, exalted, glorious, magnificent, beautiful and perfect. Who Gabriel was looking at was not the Jesus Gabriel was used to seeing at all. And yet, here He was. God, in the flesh. Not only in the flesh, but an infant.

Veiled in flesh, the God-head see.

            “Oh! Here they come!” Andrew whispered.

            “Good! I’m glad they got here…they were terrified.”

            “And despite their fear…they still came.”

            A dirty, smelly shepherd approach the mouth of the cave. Mary saw him and drew Jesus in closer to her. With a look of newfound father instinct, Joseph stood up and confronted the shepherd.

            “You need to leave.”

            “No! Please, let us explain!”

            “Us?!”

            Joseph looked behind the first shepherd and saw a group of at least ten more. Joseph sighed in frustration,

            “Please. My wife just gave birth to my son-“

            “Did you dress him in swaddling cloths?”

            Dumbfounded, Joseph moved his head back slightly

            “Yes…yes, those were the only clothes we had. I suppose we should have been more prepared…but…wait… how did you…?”

            Gabriel and Andrew smiled at each other.

            With a grin, the shepherd replied,

            “Like I said, let us explain. You see, we were watching our sheep when…”

            Gabriel and Andrew laughed loud and long as the shepherds attempted to explain what they had seen. Not because of the way the shepherds retold the story, but because of the joy of the magnificent story that they were seeing unfold.

            “Please…let us see this thing that has happened, that the Lord has told us about!”

            With mouth agape and eyes wide, Joseph turned his head to look at his wife. She had heard the whole thing. She returned his look with a look of equal amazement, and nodded. Joseph turned back to the shepherds, silently nodded and guided the shepherds into the cave. Mary placed Jesus in the manger so everyone could see Him.

            The shepherds crowded around the newborn King. A silent, reverent hush came over them. Reverent…of a child. Tears welled up in the eyes of some of the older shepherds. One older shepherd voiced,

            “We’ve been waiting…for so long!”

Hail the incarnate deity!

Joseph affectionately touched Mary’s shoulder and she smiled up at him.

            Gabriel now turned his attention from the King to the ones that He had chosen to live among. Jesus had lived with glorious celestial beings up to this point…and now because of His love for THESE, creatures that had been made in His image…He had come down as one of them. He who had created them now had to be cared for by them. Those who would have not existed without Him dreaming them in His heart, He was dependent upon. He loved them so much. He saw so much potential in them. He had such great and lofty plans for them. He cared about them so much, that He wanted to be able to relate to them. He wanted to live with them.

Pleased as man with man to dwell, Jesus our Emmanuel.

            Gabriel’s vision blurred. He closed his eyes and tears trickled down his cheeks. He smiled and whispered,

            “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty…Glory to my King…to the newborn King. Glory to the newborn King!”

Hark! The herald angel sings, Glory to the newborn King!

            After what seemed like hours, Gabriel was able to open His eyes, despite the glorious light. He was not in the cave in Bethlehem anymore. He was now facing another kind of cave. In a garden. A cave that moments earlier had served as a grave. It was no longer an effective grave…for the stone had been rolled away and its inhabitant stood before the grave, alive, glorious and well.

Hail the heav’n born Prince of Peace! Hail the Son of Righteousness!

            Gabriel stood completely still. Jesus was alive. First He had been born. Then He had grown. Then He had died. Now He lived again. And He was standing right in front of Gabriel, in all of His resurrection glory. The light that shone from Him was far more radiant than the light than all the angels had shown when they appeared to the shepherds.

Light and life to all He brings,

            Jesus smiled at Gabriel. He reached down to His belt and unlatched a set of keys. Gabriel’s mouth dropped open. Jesus held them up. The keys of Death and Hades. With a grin of triumph and confidence, He jingled them.

Risen with healing in His wings!

            The memories of the past 33 years in addition to the majesty of the present moment was overwhelming to Gabriel. For the last 33 years there had been nothing to attract people to Him…now He was the most beautiful, glorious being on the planet.

Mild He lays His glory by!

            Jesus approached Gabriel. As tears had come at the birth of Jesus, so they came again to Gabriel as the resurrected Christ approached Him. Jesus placed His hand on Gabriel’s shoulder. His eyes twinkled as He smiled. He began to chuckle. Then He broke into a loud laugh. He threw His arms around Gabriel and embraced Him. The tears streamed down Gabriel’s face. His King was not dead anymore. Jesus let go of Gabriel and held him at arms length. He smiled at Gabriel, and patted His shoulders. Jesus leaned forward with a look of mischief on His face.

            “The women will be here soon…I want to surprise them!”

            Gabriel took a moment to look at Him. Even after all the time spent with Him, Gabriel knew He would never totally understand Him.

“I don’t think you have to plan that out.”

            Jesus let out a single, loud glorious laugh and turned to leave. He had come to give people hope. He had died and they had been filled with despair. Now He was alive, and it was time to start letting them know that death did not have to be an option anymore. It was the reason He had come to begin with.

Born that man no more may die! Born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth!

            Gabriel watched his master walk into the garden. He took a deep breath, contemplating what was to come and the amazement of the event that had just occurred and would last into eternity. He shook His head

            “To Him be all glory and honor…to the Firstborn from the Dead.”

Hark! The herald angel sings! Glory to the newborn King!

Christmastime is Here

             So many searched for Him. The magi, the shepherds, King Herod. Christmas is seeking Jesus. It’s seeking the fulfillment of long forgotten promises. It’s the glimmer of hope for downcast hearts. It’s the answer that no one was expecting.

            I’m still seeking. I still feel like so many of my hopes and dreams were crushed. I still feel unheard. I still feel like I’m lost. I still feel disappointed. I still feel confused. I feel like I have more questions than when I began. I still feel like I’m waiting for answers.

            However, there’s something in the Christmas lights that softly glow on my street. In the hymns singing of yearning. In the aroma of peppermint, hot chocolate or cookies. In the sound of crinkling wrapping paper. In the laughter ringing. In Scrooge’s redemption. A reminder.

            It’s a reminder that promises were fulfilled. That there are things to treasure in our hearts. That when things are not as they seem, it's not always a bad thing. That God resurrects hopes and dreams. That we are heard. That there will always be a light to lead us. That there is a cause for celebration. That just because things don’t make sense doesn’t mean He’s not up to something. That questions are often followed by declarations. That He does come.

            That there is hope.

Digging for Worms

      She handed me a woodchip. I looked down at my 2 year old student and took the woodchip from her, slightly confused. She plopped her adorable, chunky self down on the ground, pointed at a spot in the dirt, looked up at me and said, “Worm?” I chuckled. The day before we had found a worm, and apparently 20 minutes of taking turns holding said worm wasn’t enough time at all. I shrugged and went to digging. I knew the chances were slim, but I went ahead anyway. I told her, “The worm might be on vacation so we’ll dig for a little while but if he’s not home we’re going to stop ok?” She nodded. We dug for 5-10 minutes. Nothing. I told her, “Sorry, Mr.Worm went on vacation.” I put the dirt back in the hole and went to another part of the playground. 5 minutes later there was a little tap on my thigh. I looked down. There she was again…holding a woodchip. “Worm.” 

     This went on throughout the ENTIRE SUMMER.

            Relentlessly this child would ask me to find her a worm. I mean, I know that kids like bugs, but SERIOUSLY? After digging for 5-10 minutes, every time, we wouldn’t find a worm. And the cycle would begin again moments later.

            I kept digging for two reasons. One….because…I mean, not digging for a worm at a two year old’s request seems like a mean thing to do. Secondly…I couldn’t help but notice the faith she had. And it was fascinating to me. She never once thought that maybe the worm wouldn’t show up again. I was in a really rough patch in my spiritual life and it was encouraging to see a picture of faith in this little girl. It made me think of my own faith, which at the time felt so weak.

            Then we came to my last day at work. As we dug for a worm, I silently prayed, “Hey. Jesus. I think it would be really cool if you could help us find a worm.” I chuckled to myself and half joking, half serious silently said, “In the name of Jesus, we will find a worm.”

            We didn’t find a worm right then. But I walked to another area of the playground. I had been with a different class the other day and we had actually seen a worm there. So, maybe there would be one there. I moved around some dirt. Didn’t do any digging. Just moved some dirt around. And low and behold….there was a worm.

            God rewards faith that He’ll provide and earthworm, just like He rewards faith in anything else. I know it sounds cliché, and I don’t know, maybe it is. But it was a nice little reminder that He really, really, REALLY does hear us. He really does recognize any amount of faith we have. He really is overjoyed by our faith.

            Oh, one last thing that I learned from that little girl.

            When she received what she faithfully believed she would find…

            She wouldn’t let go.

"There is, ya know, surprisingly, always hope"

With a smile and a bounce in her step, Amy says to the Doctor, “Time can be re-written! I know it can! Come on!” And with that she runs into the museum

From my couch in front of my laptop, I smile. I know where this is going. There are going to be new paintings! At least one. That Tardis painting thing I see everywhere. That must be from this episode.  And just the thought that maybe, just maybe, there could be new paintings and Van Gogh’s life didn’t have to end so tragically…ah! What a brilliant idea.

Amy runs up the stairs followed slowly by the Doctor. She rants on, “Oh the long life of Vincent Van Gogh! There will be hundreds of new paintings!” The Doctor casually follows her, saying, “I’m not sure there will.”

I’m starting to not feel so good about this. But it’s been such a good episode! So beautiful! It has to have this beautiful, happy ending, right? My hopes of seeing imaginings of Van Gogh’s potential work is getting more exciting by the second.

“Come on!” she repeats. Amy walks into the Van Gogh exhibit

Yay! Here it is! New paintings! I’m with her all the way now.

She looks around. Everything is the same.

It’s gotta be there somewhere.

The tour guide is heard, “And here we have the last work of Vincent Van Gogh, who committed suicide at only 37…”

My heart sinks. No. But…..no! That can’t be right…

Amy squeezes her eyes shut. She turns to the Doctor. With tears in her eyes that mine seem to be copying she says, “So you were right. No new paintings. We didn’t make a difference at all.”

Hopes and dreams crushed. Suddenly, this wasn’t about Van Gogh anymore. This was about me.

The Doctor looks at Amy sympathetically but wisely. “Well, I wouldn’t say that,” he says.

My heart lifts…just a little.

“The way I see it, life is a pile of good things…”

Andrew the angel. My friend gets up out of her wheelchair and walks. A loving family at Resting Place. My friend’s joy-filled engagement. A place of belonging in theatre. Gold dust on my hands in random classes and in my journal in a time of need. Extremely specific moments of encouragement. The seniors who constantly encouraged me while SMing. The women who surrounded me with prayer and love the opening night of the show. Praying over my friends at the Actors Lab senior send-off. Finding out that for my senior year I’ll be living on the same hall as my 3 best friends at Eastern. Three prophetic dreams. Beautiful writings. A new but good change occurring within me.

 “…and bad things.”

Almost two months without solid friendships. Fear of rejection. Sitting in my car late at night, sobbing, on two different occasions because two different people had hurt me. Having to SM a musical that brought back memories of an awkward 13 year old girl whose Dad was in the hospital and eventually became known as “the girl whose dad died” Walking into my room and sinking to floor, only to cry for an hour.  Two very influential people in my life moving away. A friend that once said “I don’t want to lose your friendship” stopped contacting me. Confusing messages from God. Feelings of confliction and self-doubt. Hopes and dreams crushed.

     The good was SO good, and the bad was SO bad….it seemed that the good things and the bad things always just seemed to be at odds with each other. Not only that, but the bad things almost made the good things seem irrelevant.

 “Hey.” The Doctor embraces Amy.

My ears perk up.

 “The good thing don’t always soften the bad things…”

The two piles of memories swarm again. Amy and the Doctor start to become a blur.

“…but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things…”

More memories just swirling in my head. Amy and the Doctor are a complete blur now.

“…or make them unimportant.”

The tears came.

   

And in that moment….Jesus definitely added to my pile of good things.

References

(1) "Vincent and the Doctor", Doctor Who, Season 5

(Clip of main quote: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjUKGfBW74o)

You Memorize Me

“And nothing is hidden from your sight. Wherever I go, you find me. And you know ever detail of my life. For you are God and you don’t miss a thing…

You memorize me”₍₁₎

            Everytime this line is sung out, it echoes within me as well as pierces my soul. “You memorize me”.

            I’m officially back at Eastern. I STILL don’t know what this season was entirely about and I STILL don’t know A LOT of what God was saying (and is still saying). But at least He’s near. And at least I don’t feel alone anymore. Actually it’s quite the opposite.

            If I’ve come out of this season with anything, it’s the knowledge that God knows me. He knows exactly how to get to me and how to get my attention. He knows the TV shows I like, the music I listen to, the bugs I hate, the food I savor, the things in nature that fascinate me, the plays I relish, the movies/characters that I resonate with, the things that bring me nostalgia, the friends I love, the jokes I laugh at, the memories that hurt, the simple things in life that bring me joy…He knows me. And He uses ALL these things to speak to me. All the time. I realized that things that are important to me are important to Him too, because they are important to me. And He gets it. It makes Him seem more real and closer.

            I’ve been walking around campus and remembering all the things that happened last year. Good and bad. I’m enjoying the new memories I’m making and I’m looking forward to new ones being made throughout the year. And all the while, God is speaking. And to be honest, sometimes….heck, often, I don’t know what He’s saying. But I know He’s speaking. I know He loves me. I know He knows me. And I know He knows what He’s doing.

References

(1)Song, “You Know Me” by Bethel(Loft Sessions)

To the Age Old Truth, We're Not Alone

I had a dream the last week. And it was one of those dreams that’s so real, when you wake up&you realize it was only a dream, you’re really confused. Well, it wasn’t the whole dream that was vividly real. Stuff like the Muppets being part of the NJHSA drama fest didn’t feel real(though that would’ve been epic). What felt real was this guy friend who was in the dream that happened to have his arm around me&whose shoulder/side I had nestled into. He later said I was cute&beautiful&said he wanted me to be his girlfriend.

Now, before my family celebrates, or my girlfriends text me, or certain guy friends start planning pranks/beat up sessions, know that this guy&I are not interested in each other in real life. However, in the dream, it was very real. When I woke up, I was kinda disoriented from sleeping in in the middle of the week. A minute after I woke up, I realized that all that was a dream. And my heart sank. Not because of him or anything, but because it brought me back to reality.

And my reality lately has felt like I am incredibly alone. It’s no big secret that I’m single. It’s no big secret that most of my best friends are pairing off faster than the animals on Noah’s Ark(or have new adventures far away from here). It’s no big secret that they still love and care for me and if they are reading this they are probably really concerned right now. Nevertheless…sometimes….often….most of the time lately, I feel alone. So, I dream of companionship, I dream of love, I dream of “my counterpart”₍₁₎. But that’s just it…it’s a dream.

Now, I really don’t want to make it sound like I’m desperate. I really don’t want to sound whiny, or dramatic, or manipulative. I’m writing this because I know that I’m not the only person who feels this way and I know that how I feel matters to Jesus.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling depressed. I WOKE UP feeling depressed. The day before hadn’t been a good day, so I had expectations of another bad day. I told God I was depressed, but that was about it. I didn’t ask anything. I just told Him and kept going on my way. I honestly didn’t expect Him to do anything about it. I was feeling REALLY down. I was feeling REALLY alone.

Then I got to eat a yummy bagel. Then I set up water day(quiet, alone jobs are highly valued by me at the daycare). My 2 yr old students had a BLAST during water day, which resulted in me having a blast(and getting soaking wet). When I was working in the baby room, there was a 3 month old who(for once) wasn’t crying&whining but instead was making cute baby noises. For fun I played the Anastasia soundtrack on the way to school(ECC) and that made me happy. We got out of class 5 minutes early. My mom gave me a “My Adventure Journal”(UP). I ordered tickets to see Singing in the Rain in theaters the next day. I snuggled with my 3 yr old niece and watched Cookie Monster videos on youtube. Before I got into bed, I watched Doctor Who. I didn’t have a bad day at all. I had a fantastic day…and I know that God was behind it.

One good day doesn’t solve everything. I know that. I’m probably going to feel lonely again soon. I’m still dreaming of companionship, love, and all that jazz. That hasn’t changed. What has changed is that I’m (at least) starting to internalize the truth that I’m not really alone. I know that sounds cliché, but I’m not. I have Jesus. He hears my prayers. Even if I don’t see the answer, I know now that He hears them. I know that He really does care. I’m starting to really get that the next time that I feel incredibly lonely, I have someone to talk to who is extremely understanding and loving about the whole thing. And that greatly encourages my heart.

The lion roars and the lamb lays down

They live together in a whole new town

They’re calling me and they’re calling you

From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own

To the age old truth, we’re not alone. ₍₂₎

References

(1)   Book, “The Divine Romance” by Gene Edwards

(2)   Song, “Emma(Not Alone)” by Jason Upon

Wrestling and Resting

It was my third night at Resting Place since I had been home from school, but the first time I felt like I was really home again(that’s not a reflection of anybody or anything there, it’s more of a reflection of where I am in the season I’m in). Anyway, I had just received some very encouraging prayer from a YWAMer. I looked up and there was my friend Christian! Christian had been the director of Splinter back when I was in highschool. I hadn’t seen or talked to him in about a year. After making some general chit-chat, he asked, “Can I pray over you?” I replied, “Of course!” I was feeling good. I was actually feeling good. He put his hand on my shoulder and was just quiet for a little while. Then he began singing along with the worship leader. I just stood there with my hands open in a posture of receiving. Like I said, I was feeling good. Then Christian said to me, “I’m feeling that…I’m getting that you feel like your hopes and dreams have been crushed.” I nervously grasped my scarf.  He was right. He continued, “I feel like you feel like your hopes and dreams have been crushed. And you feel like that’s it. And you feel angry. And God would have you be angry. God would have you be angry with Him. God would have you wrestle with Him…God would have you wrestle with Him and not your thoughts.”

                After this was prayed over me I just walked around the room for awhile. Because this prayer was so spot on it literally frightened me. I do feel like my hopes and dreams were crushed. I do feel angry. I feel resentment and bitterness. I’ve pushed Him away. But that hasn’t kept Him away. Because He really meant it when He said He wouldn’t leave me. He’s giving my space in a sense (because that man really, really loves me), but He hasn’t left me.

I was at Resting Place on Monday night and Devin prayed that God would break over me whatever I needed. I apparently need warmth and rest. I sat there and I felt the warm presence of Jesus surround me. It was so comforting and peaceful. As I let Him surround me and didn’t push Him away for the first time in a long time, I started remembering things that had been happening for the past two weeks. Things that made me think “I think that’s Jesus” but pushed the thought away because I had been pushing Jesus away. I thought of the Beauty and the Beast porcelain figurines(which my dad had given my mom) that my mom had left on my headboard for me to find when I came home(Beauty and the Beast is a thing for me&Jesus). I thought of the itunes giftcard my mom passed off to me the day after I realized that I don’t have money to spend on music that I wanted to buy. I thought of the night that I was almost asleep but then jolted awake because I felt a hand on my shoulder. I thought of the last time I had gone to Resting Place and had been so anxious to go home and when I did get to leave I only had to sit at 3 of the 12 lights to get home. I thought of the fact that I had been fatigued for the past week and a half and the first time I let Jesus close to me, instead of immediately picking at my crap, He invited me to rest with Him. I remembered all these things and I almost began to cry. He loves me so much. So, so much.

However, I’m still wrestling. Monday night was beautiful and things are getting better with me talking to God, but I’m still wrestling. Jesus and I both knew that Monday night wouldn’t solve everything and whatever resentment I have towards Him wouldn’t be completely resolved. In the past, whenever I was angry and God would start pouring out His love on me, I would dismiss the anger because I figured I wasn’t angry anymore if I could feel Him love me. But now I’m realizing that He’s saying that He loves me no matter what I feel towards Him. I realize now that He’s saying I can trust Him. I realize that He has not, and will not leave me. I realize that He’s not out of reach. I realize He’s not as far away as I think He is. I realize that I won’t be angry for long. I’m realizing what He meant when He said, “Come to me, all who are burdened and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” I realize that as I’m wrestling….I’m also learning to rest. 

What to do, what to do....?

Well. I'm home. This is weird. It's really, really weird. I feel like I'm JUST on break and not actually home. Hopefully this feeling doesn't last for too long. But the fact of the matter is, I am actually home, and tomorrow is the first day official day of summer! I decided it might be fun to post my Summer 2012 To-Do List and then at the end of the summer, write another post about what I accomplished of that list. I figured it's a fun way to start the summer and will eventually be a fun way to end the summer. So, without further ado...

Summer 2012 To-Do List!

·         Have acoustic worship on the boardwalk at Seaside w/friends and just see what the Holy Spirit does

·         Do well in my summer classes

·         See Newsies on broadway w/Grace

·         Visit the Disneystore in Times Square w/Kristen

·         Learn how to sing the Hebrew portion of “When You Believe” from the Prince of Egypt

·         Figure out the harmony to “Through Heaven’s Eyes” from the Prince of Egypt

·         Learn the Cotton-Eye-Joe

·         Learn the knee-slapping, kick bit of choeography from Singing in the Rain

·         Start picking up guitar again

·         Read. Read A LOT

-      The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom

-      1984 by George Orwell

-      The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas

-      Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

-      Prisoner in the Third Cell by Gene Edwards

-      The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins

-      Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

-      A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

-      A book by Shane Clayborne(I’m an Eastern student, I might as well)

-      Cause of Discipleship by Deitrich Bonhoffer

-      Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

-      The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

-      W/e else gets placed in my hands

·         Browse internship possibilities

·         Browse for apartment possibilities in the St.David’s areaish(yes, I’m planning on moving out after I graduate. Lord willing, I’ll be permanently back in Jersey about a year after I graduate)

·         Browse theatre jobs for after I graduate.

·         Do something crazy w/my hair coloring(Icicle streaks?)

·         Get textbooks for next semester

·         Start loosely planning on Senior thesis stuff

·         Watch some classic movies

-      Who Shot Liberty Valence

-      (rewatch) Casablanca

-      Gone with the Wind

-      Anchors Aweigh

-      Anything with Gene Kelly ;)

-      Oklahoma

-      The Manchurian Canidate

·         Go see “The Dark Knight Rises”

·         Come off of coffee….well, at least, don’t get addicted to coffee

·         Go to nightwatch at RP once a week

·         Keep in touch with EU peeps

·         Rush tickets for a Broadway show(Lion King or Godspell)

·         GIVE REBECCA A HUGE HUG WHEN SHE GETS BACK FROM THE WORLD RACE!!!!

·         Disneybound as much as possible

·         Lemon-lime soda w/the juice ice cubes!(I saw it in Pintrest…ooooh Pintrest)

·         Get to know "Les Miserables"

·         Get to know "Dr. Who"