Unconditionally

Yesterday, Christians all over were singing praise songs to Jesus, reading John 20, and thanking Jesus for the work He did on the cross and through His resurrection. Christians all over are singing about His undying, beautiful, passionate love for us. Christians all over are talking about how He loves us unconditionally and nothing we do will ever separate from the love of God. Christians all over are focusing on the love that Christ has for us.

            I think if we are we really honest with ourselves, we’ll admit that sometimes this kind of love makes us want to run and hide. I know it makes me want to run and hide sometimes. Though I’ve had the revelation for awhile that Jesus loves me unconditionally, it still makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I realized that…

When I accused Him of being cruel and inconsiderate, He wasn’t offended.

When I arrogantly and flippantly demanded things from Him, He gave them to me.

When I angrily dismissed events in my life, He just smiled.

When my faith was weak, He said it was more than enough.

When I made Him the second choice, He was overjoyed to get any glance from me.

            No matter what I’ve said or done, He hasn’t left. He’s not fazed. He’s not angry. He hasn’t stopped singing over me. He hasn’t stopped speaking tenderly to me. His love for me has not lessened in the least.

            It’s one thing to receive the revelation that He loves unconditionally when you’re coming out of a bad place. It’s another when you’re walking in a rough season and you realize the revelation continues to be reality. It’s TERRIFYING. When I realized how much of a reality this was, I literally wanted to stop talking to God for awhile and just cry. That kind of love is so beautiful, but don’t pretend it’s not terrifying at times.

            Though it makes me squirm sometimes and it brings out hidden insecurities, it’s a beautiful, wonderful reality. It’s a reality that I can’t quite explain, but one that I’m thankful for. While it continues to break me, it also continues to bless me. He loves me SO much. He loves me unconditionally. He showers me with grace over and over and over again. He gave me the right to become a child of God. I don’t have to be afraid. Thank you Jesus.

“So we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. If grace, is an ocean we’re all sinking. So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us….oh how He loves us…”-How He Loves, John Mark McMillian

                                                                 Skit Guys - Grace

               ^This video is one of my favorite skits and really captures the beauty and struggle with grace.^

13 Reflections

This semester I had the privilege of being asked to be the Stage Manager for the spring musical,, “13”. I learned a lot about myself, the people around me, theatre, Jesus, plus so much more! Anyway, I thought I would share 13 reflections about “13”:

1.      I’ve learned that I second guess myself all the time. I’ve known for a long time that I second guess myself, but I never realized how bad it was until I started Stage Managing. Thankfully God gave me an amazing cast and production team, and whenever I got overwhelmed, stressed&started second guessing my ability to do this job, someone would “happen” to cross my path and reassure me that I was doing a good job&were supporting me.

2.      I’ve learned that a 1 minute scene could result in the most complicated blocking notes of the entire play.(Kendra Dream Sequence)

3.      Cues seem scary, but they are actually really fun to call once you get the hang of it. (You say “Light cue blah blah blah, go!” and they GO!!)

4.      Encouragement is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing.

5.      Though I say all the time that Jesus cares about every aspect of my life…I often forget. He SO cared about that project, and He SO cared about me.  

6.      Speaking in an accent is jolly good fun, even (& especially if) the accent doesn’t actually exist.

7.      Even a “simple” musical can get MAD complicated MAD fast.

8.      The first time I ever called “Light cue 300 warning…Light cue 300 go” was one of the most satisfying things ever and it actually almost made me cry.

9.      Sitting for too long/being too tired results in 2-3 minutes of walking with Jack Sparrow swag. (Tech weekend)

10.  The things I’ve heard and said over headset…that’s just all I’m going to say about that.

11.  This reflection is a tad more serious and lengthy, but it was one of the most beautiful things that God shared with me through “13”.

 When I was 13, my family found out that my Dad had brain cancer. He passed away when I was a few months shy of 15. Most of the memories of my adolsecnce are framed within the events involving my Dad’s sickness and death. So, sometimes, working on this musical was not easy for me, as it brought back many memories that I’m not fond of remembering. One of those times was the first time that I ever heard, “Being a Geek”. Though the song is extremely comical, the first time I actually listened to the lyrics in a musical rehearsal, it wasn’t comical for me at all. The main character sings, “But when you’re cool, you can rally when the blues attack. Every problem just rolls off your back. You can handle every slip and slide, without breaking your stride! When you’re cool, you don’t care that people disappear. You don’t care that your Dad’s not here. You don’t care that your life’s been uprooted and bent, without your consent. A geek’s afraid it’s never gonna be OK but the cool kid knows it doesn’t matter anyway. It’s the difference between being fine at 13 and the lonliest thing.” When I first heard those lines…all of a sudden, I remembered what it felt like to be a scared 13 year old who so desperately desired to have a normal life. I remembered how awful it felt when when my Dad wasn’t home due to his multiple hospital visits (and eventually his death). I remembered how my life had been “uprooted and bent” without my consent (literally) overnight. I remembered what it felt like to be afraid that it was never going to be OK. I felt like a knife had been stabbed in my gut and I was on the brink of tears. If they had rehearsed that song for much longer, I was going to have to step out of the room. Thankfully they didn’t and I was able to carry through w/my SM duties that day. From then on, it was really hit or miss whether or not “Being a Geek” bothered me, since it was supposed to be a comical number. Sometimes it did bother me. Sometimes it didn’t. During tech when we had our first dress rehearsal and saw the number to the full effect for the first time, the entire production team was DYING of laughter. When it came to the chorus, and I realized that it was actually the chorus and that it was not bothering me in the least, I said silently to Jesus, “Thank-you.” Right then, quietly&clearly I heard Him speak to me, “You see how I just redeemed that for you? I’m going to do the same thing with your actual grief.” I started laughing again, but this time it wasn’t the piece, it was because Jesus is crazy and I was SO happy about what He had just done. Who would’ve thought that Jesus would speak to me through a Motown-style song featuring haze, karaoke and dancin’, snappin’ Rabbis? (bahahahaha that song…)

12.  I have one dang memorable opening night story. We used two big rotating walls that we used as part of set changes. On opening night during a scene in Act II, I had the horror of watching the SL wall come unhinged and almost fall. Thankfully, no one got hurt and the show continued. Due to previous stress plus the scare, I wound up breaking down crying at the end of the night. Thankfully, I had my friends and director to carry me through the tears and point me to Jesus. So what initially was a terrifying experience quickly became a story that I can now laugh about as well as thank God for.

13.  In so, so, so many ways, SMing this show was a great experience for me. It gave me a chance to really bond with people at EU and form some really wonderful friendships. I learned about not relying on my own strength and letting Jesus carry me. I learned that sometimes the set actually comes close to falling down. I learned that people love me and are looking out for me here. I learned that God really can speak through anything. I could go on, and even if I did, I still wouldn’t be able to adequately describe this experience in just 13 reflections (this reflection in of itself was a bit of cheat). However…I can say that,

“I’m a little bit braver, a little broader, a little bit brighter, a little bit. “

Invalid

 ^"Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic- called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.”  And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked. " -John 5:2-9


 Invalid.

They were invalid.

I don’t remember catching that before.

They were INVALID.

That hit me SO hard.

Invalid.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes….often times, I feel like I’m invalid.

Because, I don’t know about you, but sometimes God wants me to do something and I feel like I can’t.

I’m too weak. I don’t have enough strength. I’m not mature enough. I’m too self-absorbed. I haven’t been in the prophetic atmosphere long enough.

I’m invalid.

 And it makes me want to scream and/or burst out into tears. I’ve had so many amazing prayers prayed over me about my destiny and my future…and I feel invalid. I’ve had so many amazing Spirit-filled occurrences and prophetic things happen over the past year that neither I nor anyone else truly knows how to make sense of…and I feel invalid. I’ve slipped up, stumbled, and downright fallen….and I feel invalid. I’ve been broken and built up walls around me with the shattered pieces…and I feel invalid.

Invalid.

Invalid.

INVALID!!!!

                When I read John 5 recently, that word made me almost start to cry. I went to bed thinking about how it had hit a tender spot in my heart as well as remembering past experiences with this passage and their significance to what I was dealing with now. I was rudely woken up at 7:50am to the fire alarm going off in my building. I ran out as fast as I could (which resulted in my being dressed in PJ shorts, a tshirt, rainboots&my winter coat). After about 10-15 minutes of standing outside we were allowed to go back inside. I dragged myself back towards my room. My thoughts were focused on getting back to my warm bed and making up those 15 minutes of lost sleep. As I reached for my doorknob, I noticed something that I hadn’t notice in my mad dash out the door. Someone had left a note on my door. It was a printed stationary piece of notepaper. On it read, “God made you as you are to use you as He planned.-J.C. Macauley “. I picked up the note and just stared at it. I was moved not only at the kindness of whoever left this on my door, but also by the fact of how perfectly timed this was. I put the note back on my door where I found it so I could easily see it (&because I was extremely tired and knew I might entirely forget its existence). I shook my head. Sometimes it (actually) scares me how well Jesus knows me.

That note reminded me how a few chapters later in John, Jesus meets another “invalid”. A blind man. Jesus says, “It was neither the sin of this man nor the sin of his parents that he was born blind but that the work of God might be displayed in His life.” Hm.

He sees past our brokenness. It’s not that He doesn’t see it at all. He sees the broknness. He sees why we view ourselves as invalid. But those reasons have all been redeemed through the cross. Sure, He sees it…but He chooses to see how He’s going to redeem and use those factors in our lives for the glory of God. I often forget that….to be honest, I actually forget it most of the time. And each time I remember it gets more and more liberating.

True Sacrifice

Article I wrote for the Faith Focus section in the Waltonian(my school newspaper) =) :

“Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. And he said, ‘Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.’ ”Luke 21:1-4 ESV

            One would think that giving more in quantity would actually be giving more of an offering. As always, Jesus had to break the standard view people held onto. The story of the widow in Luke is an example of that. Normally Luke 21:1-4 is discussed in reference to tithing and giving to the church. There is definite value in this interpretation, but the story goes so much deeper than that. This biblical passage is about sacrificing out of our weakness.

            Often times, God asks to do things that are not easy for us. I say “for us” because what is not easy for one person may be completely manageable for another. I also say “for us” because people carry personal wounds and issues that are by no means identical to another’s. God may call two students to Eastern University, and one may have that language requirement come easily to them and the other may not. God may start revealing wounds and bringing healing to a student who was not even aware that they harbored such deep cuts. What God wants from us is not always easy to give Him. It can result in worry, guilt, brooding, tears, pain, and sleepless nights. Then when we give Him what He asked for in the midst of these, we think it’s not as valuable of a sacrifice. The thoughts, “I’m not as good at this class as so-and-so”, “I don’t have as much faith as so-and-so” pass through our minds. We adopt such thoughts as truth and become downcast.

What we don’t realize is, is that Jesus recognizes when things are not easy for us. He knows us inside and out. When God asks you to do something and you have a hard time giving Him what He asked, He’s not surprised. In fact, because He knows the poverty of your situation, He honors what you give Him. The widow in Luke gave more than everyone else because what she gave was more difficult for her to give. What the widow put in the offering was truly a sacrifice. 

(Somewhat) Speechless

I’m a writer.

I’m an actress.

I’m a Communication Studies major.

And right now,

I’m at a loss for words.

I’m dealing with really difficult, stressful, draining emotions that I can’t articulate to myself, others, or even God.

I’m going to God with my frustrations, but I wind up exasperated.

And right now,

I’m vulnerable.

I’m someone who relies so much on words to express myself, but all my words seem to just be a jumble of the alphabet.

I’m someone who hates debate but still feels the need to defend myself constantly.

I’m an artist who can only express myself through the tears that stream down my face, when I allow them to.  

And right now,

I’m choosing to believe that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

He takes me on walks and sings me Disney songs.

He makes sure that I get a break from the stress of whatever it is that I can’t articulate.

He sends friends to encourage me and make me laugh when I’m stressed.

He gives me words to express how I have no words because He knows how much my total lack of words frustrates me.

He happily stays by my side, even when I try to walk away.

He holds my hand.

And right now,

I’m realizing that maybe I can’t speak the way I would like to because I’m finally starting to take my heavenly Father’s advice when He wraps me in His arms and says, “Sssssh….ssssshhhh….it’s going to be OK….ssshhh…”

Every Captive Free

I vividly remember when I first heard Every Captive Free. I was sitting on the floor at OnethingNJ 2010 and Matt Gilman sang it as the offering song. I sat there and as I listened to the lyrics, they penetrated my heart so deeply…I had no idea what to do. I had never felt such a thick stirring in my heart and I just didn’t know what to do with it. I was just confused. So I sat there…and as best as I knew how…I listened and received from the Lord.

For the spirit of the Lord God is upon me

Because He has anointed me to preach good news

Take away all of your sorrow and your mourning

To give the oil of joy and a garment of praise

For I have seen you in your captivity

And I will open up every prison door

So arise and shine for your light has come

And my glory is rising upon you

And I am dancing over you

And I am singing over you, songs of deliverance

And I will set every captive free

You will be with me…

FOR YOU ARE MINE.

            It wasn’t until months later that I found out that this song was based in Isaiah. And it wasn’t until a month or so after that did I swallow my pride, admit I didn’t know the song was based in Isaiah and asked where it was(at this point it was almost a year after I had first heard Every Captive Free). Indeed, Isaiah 61 :1-3  says that

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion-to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit.”

I remember thinking, “This is me. This is total me. This is totally my life. Oh my gosh, this is me. I never knew this was in here but this is totally my life.” God quietly said to me, “Alicia, I have been working with you for almost 6 years to bring you to the point of fulfillment of a promise that you never knew existed.”

He’s so faithful.

I am currently in a season that involves God working through hurts and burdens that were a result of the death of my Dad 7 years ago(today). I really thought I had worked through everything. I really thought I was done. I found out in September that I wasn’t. That’s an entirely different blog post for an entirely different time. Right now, I’m working through a lot of the grief that the teenage Alicia couldn’t deal with because it was too much for her. It’s a season full of tears and pain, but one that I’m not facing a lone.

I know this season will end with new revelations about His love and His plan for me. He promised He would heal me. He promised. He promised He would give me a garment of praise instead of mourning. I know that’s exactly what He’s doing, even as I write.

About a month ago, I was home for Nathan’s NJHSA Winter Concert. At the end of the night, Jeremy, Grace, Kristen and I got to pray over our friend Daniel, and then all of a sudden it just turned into a prayer ministry time that lasted for at LEAST an hour. Mrs. G(my high school drama teacher & Daniel’s mom)joined in  near the end. As Dan prayed over Kristen, Mrs. G, Jeremy&Grace prayed over me. Mrs. G said, “I see threads of gold. Yes…I see these golden threads. You sew these golden threads into these dark and gray situations because you said “yes” to Him.” At the end of the prayer she hugged me and said, “Yeah, clear as day, I just saw these golden threads. I don’t know what that’s about.” I laughed and said, “I’ll let you know when I know.” (Note, all of this happened in the middle of a parking lot in the freezing cold…IT WAS AWESOME!)

I prayed into it and God connected the dots for me as I wrote out scripture in the background of a piece of art I created (based on a picture that God gave me over the summer of my garment of praise).

“Listen O daughter, consider&give ear: Forget your people and your father’s house. The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord. All glorious is the princess with her chamber; HER GOWN IS INTERWOVEN WITH GOLD…” (Psalm 45:10-11&13)

He’s bringing me to the fulfillment of a promise that I never knew existed. He’s setting every captive free, and that includes me. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil….for you are with me.  

Silence

“Let’s have a moment of silent prayer.”

            The first time I ever heard my Mass Media professor say this; I must say I was quite surprised/confused. I’ve never had a professor say that before. Prayer? Sure. Silent prayer? MMMM….nope. Nevertheless, without fail, every single Mass Media class we have begins with my professor saying, “Let’s have a moment of silent prayer.” We all bow our heads, close our eyes and pray silently.  I’ve noticed something in my 30 some seconds of silent prayer.

                                                            I can’t shut-up.

            I panic. I ramble on and on and on in my head every single time my head goes down and my eyes close. Not only do I ramble, but I ramble at intense speed. Anxiety floods me. “What if I run out of things to say?! Whatnowwhatnowwhatnow?!?!” I don’t like silence.  When I do manage to be silent, my thoughts wander to something with noise. I don’t know how to deal with the quietness.  You would think that after living in a small house with 7 other people that I would relish any form of noiselessness. But I don’t.

            Right now I’m in a place where I cannot articulate what I’m feeling. I can’t articulate it to myself, others, or even God. I’ve been extremely frustrated by this. I was talking to Kristen about it and she interjected with, “He knows Leesh! He knows how you feel even if you don’t!” When FB chatting my friend Rebecca today(YAY!), she said, “I have good news, God is, at this very moment, articulating it to Himself and will reveal it to you at the right time.” I know these things to be true and I accept them in the name of Jesus.

            In the meantime….I’m waiting in silence. I’m in a place of waiting on the Lord…and in waiting, there is silence. And as the silence grows, so grows the fear that He will never speak. And if He never speaks, it means that He has left. Fear of silence is fear of rejection. Fear of silence is fear of death. Believing that God is still there in the quietude is believing that He will truly never leave you or forsake you.

            Though I hate the silence, and though I face an inward struggle every time things quiet down, I know the value of the stillness. There is value in learning to dwell in peace. There is value in being able to hear the voice of the Lord loud and clear when He speaks. There is value in gaining patience. There is value in rest. There is value in learning that Jesus meant it when He said that He would not leave us as orphans. Hm. Silence is a beautiful sound.