It was my third night at Resting Place since I had been home from school, but the first time I felt like I was really home again(that’s not a reflection of anybody or anything there, it’s more of a reflection of where I am in the season I’m in). Anyway, I had just received some very encouraging prayer from a YWAMer. I looked up and there was my friend Christian! Christian had been the director of Splinter back when I was in highschool. I hadn’t seen or talked to him in about a year. After making some general chit-chat, he asked, “Can I pray over you?” I replied, “Of course!” I was feeling good. I was actually feeling good. He put his hand on my shoulder and was just quiet for a little while. Then he began singing along with the worship leader. I just stood there with my hands open in a posture of receiving. Like I said, I was feeling good. Then Christian said to me, “I’m feeling that…I’m getting that you feel like your hopes and dreams have been crushed.” I nervously grasped my scarf. He was right. He continued, “I feel like you feel like your hopes and dreams have been crushed. And you feel like that’s it. And you feel angry. And God would have you be angry. God would have you be angry with Him. God would have you wrestle with Him…God would have you wrestle with Him and not your thoughts.”
After this was prayed over me I just walked around the room for awhile. Because this prayer was so spot on it literally frightened me. I do feel like my hopes and dreams were crushed. I do feel angry. I feel resentment and bitterness. I’ve pushed Him away. But that hasn’t kept Him away. Because He really meant it when He said He wouldn’t leave me. He’s giving my space in a sense (because that man really, really loves me), but He hasn’t left me.
I was at Resting Place on Monday night and Devin prayed that God would break over me whatever I needed. I apparently need warmth and rest. I sat there and I felt the warm presence of Jesus surround me. It was so comforting and peaceful. As I let Him surround me and didn’t push Him away for the first time in a long time, I started remembering things that had been happening for the past two weeks. Things that made me think “I think that’s Jesus” but pushed the thought away because I had been pushing Jesus away. I thought of the Beauty and the Beast porcelain figurines(which my dad had given my mom) that my mom had left on my headboard for me to find when I came home(Beauty and the Beast is a thing for me&Jesus). I thought of the itunes giftcard my mom passed off to me the day after I realized that I don’t have money to spend on music that I wanted to buy. I thought of the night that I was almost asleep but then jolted awake because I felt a hand on my shoulder. I thought of the last time I had gone to Resting Place and had been so anxious to go home and when I did get to leave I only had to sit at 3 of the 12 lights to get home. I thought of the fact that I had been fatigued for the past week and a half and the first time I let Jesus close to me, instead of immediately picking at my crap, He invited me to rest with Him. I remembered all these things and I almost began to cry. He loves me so much. So, so much.
However, I’m still wrestling. Monday night was beautiful and things are getting better with me talking to God, but I’m still wrestling. Jesus and I both knew that Monday night wouldn’t solve everything and whatever resentment I have towards Him wouldn’t be completely resolved. In the past, whenever I was angry and God would start pouring out His love on me, I would dismiss the anger because I figured I wasn’t angry anymore if I could feel Him love me. But now I’m realizing that He’s saying that He loves me no matter what I feel towards Him. I realize now that He’s saying I can trust Him. I realize that He has not, and will not leave me. I realize that He’s not out of reach. I realize He’s not as far away as I think He is. I realize that I won’t be angry for long. I’m realizing what He meant when He said, “Come to me, all who are burdened and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” I realize that as I’m wrestling….I’m also learning to rest.