Silence

“Let’s have a moment of silent prayer.”

            The first time I ever heard my Mass Media professor say this; I must say I was quite surprised/confused. I’ve never had a professor say that before. Prayer? Sure. Silent prayer? MMMM….nope. Nevertheless, without fail, every single Mass Media class we have begins with my professor saying, “Let’s have a moment of silent prayer.” We all bow our heads, close our eyes and pray silently.  I’ve noticed something in my 30 some seconds of silent prayer.

                                                            I can’t shut-up.

            I panic. I ramble on and on and on in my head every single time my head goes down and my eyes close. Not only do I ramble, but I ramble at intense speed. Anxiety floods me. “What if I run out of things to say?! Whatnowwhatnowwhatnow?!?!” I don’t like silence.  When I do manage to be silent, my thoughts wander to something with noise. I don’t know how to deal with the quietness.  You would think that after living in a small house with 7 other people that I would relish any form of noiselessness. But I don’t.

            Right now I’m in a place where I cannot articulate what I’m feeling. I can’t articulate it to myself, others, or even God. I’ve been extremely frustrated by this. I was talking to Kristen about it and she interjected with, “He knows Leesh! He knows how you feel even if you don’t!” When FB chatting my friend Rebecca today(YAY!), she said, “I have good news, God is, at this very moment, articulating it to Himself and will reveal it to you at the right time.” I know these things to be true and I accept them in the name of Jesus.

            In the meantime….I’m waiting in silence. I’m in a place of waiting on the Lord…and in waiting, there is silence. And as the silence grows, so grows the fear that He will never speak. And if He never speaks, it means that He has left. Fear of silence is fear of rejection. Fear of silence is fear of death. Believing that God is still there in the quietude is believing that He will truly never leave you or forsake you.

            Though I hate the silence, and though I face an inward struggle every time things quiet down, I know the value of the stillness. There is value in learning to dwell in peace. There is value in being able to hear the voice of the Lord loud and clear when He speaks. There is value in gaining patience. There is value in rest. There is value in learning that Jesus meant it when He said that He would not leave us as orphans. Hm. Silence is a beautiful sound. 

I shall not fear

FEAR!

What a gripping and ugly word.

FEAR!

I’ve struggled with it for a very, very long time.

FEAR!

For years I tried to not address it. I just wanted to be normal. I didn’t want to deal with that stuff.

FEAR!

I didn’t want to face that I felt like an orphan. Orphans are afraid because there is no one to protect them. And I didn’t feel protected.

FEAR!

But now I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who was protecting me even though I couldn’t see Him.

FEAR.

And I’m starting to trust Him. And I’m starting to face this struggle.

FEAR…

The more I walk with Him the more I am realizing that He’s not going to let go of my hand

…FEAR…

I’m starting to understand what David meant when he said that though he walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, he would fear no evil…

…FEAR…?

For HE is with me.

…FEAR…?!

And He loves me. And the Bible says that perfect

LOVE!!

Casts out

fear

I will be healed of fear and anxiety in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Love Brings Life

“It’s always like springtime with you,

Making all things new.

Your light is breaking through the dark.

This love is sweeter than wine,

Bringing joy, bringing life

Your hope is rising like the dawn.

And this is what you do, this is what you do, this is what you do…

You make me come alive!”(-Bethel, This is What You Do) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPuh86DR2Cs)

At that moment as I listened to this song on my Ipod while walking to my car, a gust of wind hit my face and blew my circle scarf off from around my head to beautifully rest on my shoulders. As I opened my eyes I noticed how blue the sky was, how beautifully but sharply the bare trees stood out against it, the gorgeous weather, and how good the wind felt on my face. I smiled and took a deep breath in. Oh Jesus…

   “If we are children of God, we have a tremendous treasure in Nature. In every wind that blows, in every night and day of the year, in every sign of the sky, in every blossoming and in every withering of the earth, there is a real coming of God to us if we will simply use our starved imagination to realize it.”-Oswald Chambers

            One of the most beautiful shifts in my spiritual life was when I began to see Jesus in everything. Jesus is EVERYWHERE. I know, there’s a theological term for this: Omnipresent. But this is just an empty word until you start getting how beautiful the meaning is. What made this realization so profoundly beautiful was that I wasn’t just seeing Him…it was that when I saw Him, He was always speaking to me. When I was taking a walk around the block, listening to worship music and a gush of wind blew cherry blossom petals around me at the same time as two birds flew by chirping, it wasn’t just cool. It was the lover of my soul romancing me. When I was squished in a car, laughing and talking with my friends, it wasn’t just fun. It was my Bridegroom showing me how much I was loved. When I was at Resting Place on Monday nights and I looked around the room watching everyone worship, it wasn’t just powerful. It was my Heavenly father assembling a family reunion. When I do yoga and play improve-type games in Actors Lab, it’s not just crazy. It’s the creator of the universe letting me experience the wonder of what He’s created and my best friend introducing me to people that He wanted me to meet. When topics are clicking and making sense in class, it’s not just interesting. It’s the great Teacher educating me. It just makes everything better. Things that used to strike me as “well that’s nice” now strike me as a message of love from Jesus. It makes life so much more beautiful. It makes life so much more meaningful. It makes it so that…

It’s like I’m living for the first time

Finally living for the first time

It’s like I’m living for the first time

Finally living for the first time…

“He was with God in the beginning. Through Him, all things are made, and without Him, nothing is made that has been made. In Him was life and that life is the light of men.” John 1:3-4

"That Girl is Strange but Special..."

A week ago, I got gold dust all over my right hand while taking notes on rhetoric

On Saturday I was looking up articles for my research project and I came across an article titled: “"Oh, I See.... ": The Birds and the Culmination of Hitchcock's Hyper-Romantic Vision. “. Intrigued, I emailed it to myself. It doesn’t apply to my topic. I just want to read it.

I discovered that I find the library rather peaceful.

I would much rather sit and do little to nothing in music rehearsal for “13” than watch TV in my dorm room.

During the superbowl, I was taking notes on my phone during the commercials so I could eventually make a post about them on my COM105(Mass media) blog.

Someone came to my COM105 class to talk about the Oregon Extension program. I wasn’t interested, but then the speaker mentioned that the students don’t read text books but actual books. For a split second, just split second, I was intrigued. Books?? I want to read books!!

Later on in class, my COM105 professor began discussing idealogy and discourse. He posed the question, “Why do we like things? Why do we like what we like?” That’s such a cool question! I didn’t know we could ask questions like that! I didn’t even think to ask!!

I realized how badly I want to analyze film with other people.

I’m super organized this year and it makes me super happy.

I know that I prefer qualitative research over quantitative research.

My GPA is 3.737

                I say all this to say, that on Tuesday I received a releasing revelation about myself!....

                                                                I’m a nerd!!!

I know that sounds really dumb. I've had a few people chuckle and say, "You just figured this out now?" Well, yeah! I did! And it's not JUST about being a nerd, though that's a big chunk of it. 

About a month ago, I went to go see Beauty and the Beast in 3D with my best friend Grace. The opening song is entitled “Belle”. Though I’ve heard this song a million times and know the words by heart…for the first time…I got it…

Look there she goes that girl is strange, no question

Dazed and distracted, can’t you tell?

Never part of any crowd, ‘cause her head’s up on some cloud

No denying she’s a funny girl, that Belle…

Look, there she goes that girl is so peculiar, I wonder if she’s feeling well

With a dreamy, far off look and her nose stuck in a book,

What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle…

But behind that fair facade, I’m afraid she’s rather odd

Very different from the rest of us…

Look there she goes that girl is strange but special

A most peculiar mademoiselle

It’s a pity and a sin, she doesn’t quite fit in

But she really is a funny girl, a beauty but a funny girl, she really is a funny girl, that Belle!

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVovQfq7U0w)

I’m Belle. I wanted to cry. I totally saw myself in Belle and I heard people’s comments and thoughts of me in the townspeople (with the exception of Gaston…praise GOD I’ve never had a Gaston in my life).Part of the beauty of art is being able to identify something about yourself in the piece. God was totally using my medium to talk to me.  

                My Dad used to say that “Alicia marches to the beat of a different drummer. Problem is, not only does no one else hear it…it’s off-beat.” In case you didn’t know, I’m kind of a weird person. I lived on my own planet when I was a child and I’ve always been…unique. It’s not that I’m not surrounded by people who love immensely and it’s not like NO ONE understands me but I don’t always feel understood. There is a string in my heart that is plucked when Belle as she sings, “And for once it might be grand to have someone understand…”

                At Resting Place one night over the summer, we had a fire tunnel (a fire tunnel is when there are two lines of people who face each other, others walk through between the two lines and as they walk they get prayed over). I vividly remember my friend Daniel praying over me,

                “God is going to show you the libraries of His heart.”

                The libraries of His heart. The library. I’m like Belle…and Belle…loves the library.

He understands.

He gets me. The revelation that I was a nerd wasn’t just releasing because it was yet another step in being OK with who I am…but because I knew He was crying out,

                “She’s getting it! She’s getting it! She knows who she is! And she knows that I love who she is! She’s FINALLY starting to understand!! She’s finally starting to understand that I want her to be herself! She’s finally starting to understand that I find joy in who she is because I made her the way she is! And she’s finding joy in who she is as well! Look there she goes! That girl seems strange to some…oh, but she’s so, so special to me!”