Sunday, September 2, 2012

"There is, ya know, surprisingly, always hope"

With a smile and a bounce in her step, Amy says to the Doctor, “Time can be re-written! I know it can! Come on!” And with that she runs into the museum
From my couch in front of my laptop, I smile. I know where this is going. There are going to be new paintings! At least one. That Tardis painting thing I see everywhere. That must be from this episode.  And just the thought that maybe, just maybe, there could be new paintings and Van Gogh’s life didn’t have to end so tragically…ah! What a brilliant idea.
Amy runs up the stairs followed slowly by the Doctor. She rants on, “Oh the long life of Vincent Van Gogh! There will be hundreds of new paintings!” The Doctor casually follows her, saying, “I’m not sure there will.”
I’m starting to not feel so good about this. But it’s been such a good episode! So beautiful! It has to have this beautiful, happy ending, right? My hopes of seeing imaginings of Van Gogh’s potential work is getting more exciting by the second.
“Come on!” she repeats. Amy walks into the Van Gogh exhibit
Yay! Here it is! New paintings! I’m with her all the way now.
She looks around. Everything is the same.
It’s gotta be there somewhere.
The tour guide is heard, “And here we have the last work of Vincent Van Gogh, who committed suicide at only 37…”
My heart sinks. No. But…! That can’t be right…
Amy squeezes her eyes shut. She turns to the Doctor. With tears in her eyes that mine seem to be copying she says, “So you were right. No new paintings. We didn’t make a difference at all.”
Hopes and dreams crushed. Suddenly, this wasn’t about Van Gogh anymore. This was about me.
The Doctor looks at Amy sympathetically but wisely. “Well, I wouldn’t say that,” he says.
My heart lifts…just a little.
“The way I see it, life is a pile of good things…”
Andrew the angel. My friend gets up out of her wheelchair and walks. A loving family at Resting Place. My friend’s joy-filled engagement. A place of belonging in theatre. Gold dust on my hands in random classes and in my journal in a time of need. Extremely specific moments of encouragement. The seniors who constantly encouraged me while SMing. The women who surrounded me with prayer and love the opening night of the show. Praying over my friends at the Actors Lab senior send-off. Finding out that for my senior year I’ll be living on the same hall as my 3 best friends at Eastern. Three prophetic dreams. Beautiful writings. A new but good change occurring within me.
 “…and bad things.”
Almost two months without solid friendships. Fear of rejection. Sitting in my car late at night, sobbing, on two different occasions because two different people had hurt me. Having to SM a musical that brought back memories of an awkward 13 year old girl whose Dad was in the hospital and eventually became known as “the girl whose dad died” Walking into my room and sinking to floor, only to cry for an hour.  Two very influential people in my life moving away. A friend that once said “I don’t want to lose your friendship” stopped contacting me. Confusing messages from God. Feelings of confliction and self-doubt. Hopes and dreams crushed.
     The good was SO good, and the bad was SO bad….it seemed that the good things and the bad things always just seemed to be at odds with each other. Not only that, but the bad things almost made the good things seem irrelevant.
 “Hey.” The Doctor embraces Amy.
My ears perk up.
 “The good thing don’t always soften the bad things…”
The two piles of memories swarm again. Amy and the Doctor start to become a blur.
“…but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things…”
More memories just swirling in my head. Amy and the Doctor are a complete blur now.
“…or make them unimportant.”
The tears came.
And in that moment….Jesus definitely added to my pile of good things.

(1) "Vincent and the Doctor", Doctor Who, Season 5