I had a dream the last week. And it was one of those dreams that’s so real, when you wake up&you realize it was only a dream, you’re really confused. Well, it wasn’t the whole dream that was vividly real. Stuff like the Muppets being part of the NJHSA drama fest didn’t feel real(though that would’ve been epic). What felt real was this guy friend who was in the dream that happened to have his arm around me&whose shoulder/side I had nestled into. He later said I was cute&beautiful&said he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
Now, before my family celebrates, or my girlfriends text me, or certain guy friends start planning pranks/beat up sessions, know that this guy&I are not interested in each other in real life. However, in the dream, it was very real. When I woke up, I was kinda disoriented from sleeping in in the middle of the week. A minute after I woke up, I realized that all that was a dream. And my heart sank. Not because of him or anything, but because it brought me back to reality.
And my reality lately has felt like I am incredibly alone. It’s no big secret that I’m single. It’s no big secret that most of my best friends are pairing off faster than the animals on Noah’s Ark(or have new adventures far away from here). It’s no big secret that they still love and care for me and if they are reading this they are probably really concerned right now. Nevertheless…sometimes….often….most of the time lately, I feel alone. So, I dream of companionship, I dream of love, I dream of “my counterpart”(1). But that’s just it…it’s a dream.
Now, I really don’t want to make it sound like I’m desperate. I really don’t want to sound whiny, or dramatic, or manipulative. I’m writing this because I know that I’m not the only person who feels this way and I know that how I feel matters to Jesus.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling depressed. I WOKE UP feeling depressed. The day before hadn’t been a good day, so I had expectations of another bad day. I told God I was depressed, but that was about it. I didn’t ask anything. I just told Him and kept going on my way. I honestly didn’t expect Him to do anything about it. I was feeling REALLY down. I was feeling REALLY alone.
Then I got to eat a yummy bagel. Then I set up water day(quiet, alone jobs are highly valued by me at the daycare). My 2 yr old students had a BLAST during water day, which resulted in me having a blast(and getting soaking wet). When I was working in the baby room, there was a 3 month old who(for once) wasn’t crying&whining but instead was making cute baby noises. For fun I played the Anastasia soundtrack on the way to school(ECC) and that made me happy. We got out of class 5 minutes early. My mom gave me a “My Adventure Journal”(UP). I ordered tickets to see Singing in the Rain in theaters the next day. I snuggled with my 3 yr old niece and watched Cookie Monster videos on youtube. Before I got into bed, I watched Doctor Who. I didn’t have a bad day at all. I had a fantastic day…and I know that God was behind it.
One good day doesn’t solve everything. I know that. I’m probably going to feel lonely again soon. I’m still dreaming of companionship, love, and all that jazz. That hasn’t changed. What has changed is that I’m (at least) starting to internalize the truth that I’m not really alone. I know that sounds cliché, but I’m not. I have Jesus. He hears my prayers. Even if I don’t see the answer, I know now that He hears them. I know that He really does care. I’m starting to really get that the next time that I feel incredibly lonely, I have someone to talk to who is extremely understanding and loving about the whole thing. And that greatly encourages my heart.
The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth, we’re not alone. (2)
(1) Book, “The Divine Romance” by Gene Edwards
(2) Song, “Emma(Not Alone)” by Jason Upon